Where you fit on the introvert-extrovert spectrum influences your choice of friends and mates, how you make conversation, resolve differences, show love, what career you choose and whether you succeed in it, how likely you are to exercise, commit adultery, function well without sleep, learn from your mistakes, make big bets on the stock market, delay gratification, or whether you’re a good leader.
No one is completely an introvert or extrovert, and those in the middle are considered ambiverts. Where we land on the spectrum is reflected in studies of the brain and nervous system. One third to one half of Americans are introverts.
Today’s society values the Extrovert Ideal—being gregarious, talkative, alpha, and comfortable in the spotlight. Action is preferred to contemplation, risk-taking to heed-taking, certainty to doubt, making quick decisions, working in teams and socializing in groups, and putting yourself out there. Introversion, on the other hand, is associated with being sensitive, serious, and shy, which are considered second class traits to be overcome. People may think of you as strange for wanting to be home with a book rather than out with friends, eating alone in a restaurant, or being too much in your head.
But some of our greatest thinkers, artists, revolutionaries, and inventors were introverts—Sir Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Vincent van Gogh, Lewis Carroll, Dr. Seuss, George Orwell, Charles Shultz, Steven Spielberg, J. K. Rowling, and Rosa Parks, among many others. Introversion is associated with artistic and intellectual achievement.
There are no fixed definitions for introversion and extroversion. Carl Jung coined the terms introvert and extrovert in his 1921 book Psychological Types where he said introverts are drawn to the inner world of thoughts and feelings while extroverts are drawn to people and action. Introverts focus on the meaning of events while extroverts simply plunge into them. Introverts recharge their batteries by being alone while extroverts need a social life to recharge.
Expanding on these definitions since Jung, we know that introverts need less stimulation to function and extroverts more, introverts work slowly and deliberately, being reflective, focusing on one thing at a time and don’t care much about money and fame while extroverts tackle assignments quickly, make rash decisions, are comfortable multitasking and risk-taking, and enjoy the thrill of the chase and the reward of money and status. Extroverts like to be the center of the party, can think on their feet, are loud and talkative, and are comfortable with conflict, but not solitude. Introverts, in contrast, prefer a quiet night alone, time with a few close friends in deep connection rather than small talk, listen more than they talk, think before they speak, express themselves better in writing than conversation, and dislike conflict.
Introverts are not antisocial or shy (though some can be), they just need a break from groups of people, events, and outings, which can be overstimulating for them. Introverts are highly sensitive, meaning that while many enjoy art, music, and nature, it grips introverts in a deeper and more profound way, as does what is ugly and tragic. Every emotion is felt more powerfully and infused with meaning in a way that extroverts don’t experience their emotions. They also have a stronger conscience and higher empathy than extroverts.
While we can list traits for introversion and extroversion and put ourselves on a scale, our personalities are unique and are influenced by other factors, so not every trait will apply to you. (Susan offers a 20-question questionnaire to test for introversion. I score 19 of 20.)
Susan documents how at the turn of the twentieth century
rural Americans flooded into urban areas for a new economy of mass production,
sales, and advertising, moving
Shy and quiet children were expected to learn how to have outgoing and “winning” personalities. In the 1940s, Harvard rejected “shy and neurotic types” for “healthy extroverted types.” The life of action was revered and the life of intellect suspect. There was pressure to sell yourself and entertain, as status, income, and self-esteem now depended on personality. Being shy, unable to speak publicly, and introverted became a mental disorder called Social Anxiety Disorder.
To be skilled meant you knew how to stage-manage your voice, gestures, and body language to present yourself in a certain manner—vibrant, confident, always with a smile. Every social encounter was a high-stakes game in which you win or lose the other person’s favor. In a competitive society, you must stand out in a crowd.
We are in danger of giving hucksters and narcissists power of us who are all presentation and image with no substance. We reward them for their influence and ability to “win.” If they are self-help gurus like Tony Robbins with a huge following, we reward them for being successful simply by measure of their fame and money, not by the integrity of their character or the substance of their advice.
Introverts, who tend to be open, highly empathetic, more likely to hear suggestions, and not seek the limelight actually inspire their workers to be more productive because they are excited to have their ideas implemented rather than blocked by a competitive extrovert wanting the credit by ignoring suggestions and implementing his own ideas.
Moses is a good example of a leader who was meek, shy, had a stutter, lacked eloquence, and felt unworthy to be called by God. God paired him up with his extroverted brother Aaron and Moses became his speechwriter. Typical of introverts, Moses went away on a mountain for forty days to acquire wisdom. The medium is not always the message, and the message can be followed even if not spoken well. Good leaders don’t seek their own fame, glory, and power or seek to build their ego and status, traits to which extroverts are more prone.
Introverts are more likely to express intimate details about themselves in real time on social media that might be shocking to those around them. They want to express their real selves authentically and have deep conversations about meaningful topics. They prefer to be online and write than express their ideas in a lecture hall, and establish a relationship online before meeting in person.
Evangelical megachurches put a premium on extroversion with emphasis on greeting people, lengthy sermons, singing, volunteering, plugging in and being involved, taking action, and seeing results. There is no room for silence, quiet contemplation, liturgy, and ritual. You must love Jesus out loud and display this publicly. Godliness is equated with sociability, image, and advertising. If the world doesn’t see it and it doesn’t bear fruit and get growth or results, what good is it?
Susan has a chapter on how introverts prefer to work alone, not collaborate with teams, and that this makes them much more creative, insightful, and productive. Yet, the modern workplace emphasizes teamwork and collaboration, making it harder for an introvert to survive. Introverts tend to lead in art, writing, science, thinking, and solitary disciplines. They are most alive in their own heads. There is nothing more exciting to them than learning and ideas.
Susan has the same peculiar practice I do when writing—finding cafes in urban settings, the ambience of the café, and the people there stimulating for writing. Writing in a cafe is still a solitary practice, but in a social setting.
Temperament refers to inborn, biologically based behavioral and emotional patterns that are observable in infancy and early childhood. Personality is the complex brew that emerges after cultural influence and personal experience are thrown into the mix. Temperament is the foundation, personality the building.
Some infants are highly reactive, or highly sensitive, so process stimulation more intensely and deeply. Their nervous system is always on alert. In childhood, they think and feel deeply about what they experience, bringing nuance, and feel guilt and empathy more powerfully. They are highly imaginative problem solvers. This, along with twin studies, suggest a biological basis for introversion and extroversion. The peculiarities and differences in the personalities of introverts and extroverts are a result of nature and nurture working together.
We are born with our temperament and our personalities are elastic, meaning we can stretch them up to a point, but not change them. We are beholden to our genes, brains, and nervous systems, but we can use free will to shape our personalities. Still, Bob Ross will never be Michael Jordan no matter how much he wills to be like him.
When introverts were asked to perform at a noise level comfortable to extroverts, they were over-aroused and underperformed. When extroverts were asked to perform at a noise level preferred by introverts, they were under-aroused. Extroverts need more intense stimulation to function in life and introverts need less. The key is to fine-tune your environment and find your sweet spot for comfort and functionality.
Introverts are great observers, but less comfortable as participants. Participating can be more stressful and require a lot more than mere observing. They are suited for observing, thinking, and writing rather than taking action and participating. Interestingly, I journaled just this year that I need to accept “being” and not “doing” and if I can’t be the guy on the stage leaving a legacy, I can be in the audience relaxing and observing other leaving theirs—the world need a witness.
Susan, an introvert, attended a conference led by Elaine Aron, author of The Highly-Sensitive Person. (I read Aron’s books and took her highly sensitive quiz years back, and like the one on introversion in this book, scored highly sensitive on nearly every question.) Highly sensitive people are observant, sensitive to light, sound, scent, weather, pain, coffee, alcohol, and medication, don’t like being observed and evaluated, are more spiritual and philosophical and less materialistic and hedonistic, are intuitive, dislike small talk, dream vividly and recall their dreams easily, love nature, art, music, and physical beauty, and they feel their emotions strongly. They love romance, authenticity, and deep connection. They process information from their environments unusually deeply, noticing subtle shifts in other people’s moods or a light bulb burning a touch too brightly. They are highly empathetic and have strong consciences, feel guilt deeply, blush easily, concede and apologize more often, are thin-skinned, cry easily, and focus on things that are deep, melancholy, and too heavy or intense for others. On the Big Five personality traits, they rank high on agreeableness and openness to experience. (I took the Big Five test and ranked high on both, but terribly low on assertiveness, a trait high among extroverts.) Highly sensitive people lack the nerves of steel, stoicism, and cool poise kept by those who are anti-fragile, thick-skinned, confident, and welcome competition, challenges, conflict, exuberance, and thrill.
By contrast, extroverts are more reward-sensitive, so take more risks. They work and play hard, taking chances the rest of us don’t and get a great rush from doing what they do. They experience positive emotion, pleasure, and excitement more intensely than introverts. They have more active dopamine pathways than introverts, who don’t buzz easily. They are confident, competitive, and high achievers. They have more sex partners, commit adultery and divorce more often, exercise more, like adrenaline and adventure, build social networks, enjoy crowds of people and loud, fun, stimulating environments, and can be anti-social and commit more crimes. They live for the buzz that comes from achieving and winning, and in these moments of highs can become overconfident and less mindful, leading to risky behavior and rash decisions. In their need for efficiency they can cut corners and race through things, leading to more errors in their work. In multitasking they can become easily distracted. In their adrenaline-fueled risks, they can become injured. They need introverts to kill their buzz, make them slow down and focus, and think more carefully, just as introverts need extroverts to be more social, active, have more fun, and take more risks.
Introverts love their work, but more because they are caught in the flow of something they are passionate about—getting lost or being absorbed in their writing or art. They enjoy creating for its own sake, not driven by an external goal or reward that motivates some extroverts.
Susan notes that some Asian cultures uphold the introvert’s ideal. They don’t put a premium on the Western ideal of the individual, instead valuing family, cooperation, community, and group harmony by subordinating their own desires for a greater good. They promote quiet, humility, compassion, and sensitivity. The Western ideal is built around the individual, unrestrained, following his bliss, being independent, self-sufficient, doing what he alone is called to do. This requires gregariousness, boldness, verbal skill, and insubordination. Photos depicting dominance activated the pleasure center of Western brains while photos of submission did the same for Asians. Susan notes that one ideal isn’t better than the other, just that each type produces a different culture.
Some psychologists reject the idea of a fixed personality, taking a Situationist perspective, saying we all put on different hats and change personalities in different situations. This is the person-situation debate. This is resolved, as noted before, by recognizing that we have an essential temperament and personality, but it can be stretched within limits. A concept called Free Traits allows extroverts and introverts to practice each other’s traits and perform as the other even if it doesn’t come easily or naturally. If you are really passionate about your creation as an introvert, you can get out and promote it, doing what doesn’t come naturally, like public speaking, being in crowds, and selling, but only in a limited way and in limited settings so you avoid stress and burnout. This isn’t a personality change, but adopting extrovert traits and interspersing them with your base as an introvert.
If you are an introvert looking for a spouse but dislike the going out, meeting people, and dating, you have to stretch yourself and put yourself in situations to meet people so you can meet that person who wants to be alone with you or in a small circle of friends. This means doing what’s uncomfortable but within your limits.
There is often miscommunication between introverts and extroverts, especially in romantic relationships. Introverts want to communicate in a quiet, friendly, connected low-key tone, avoiding conflict, while extroverts are animated by their partner showing up for spirited, energized conflict. If the introvert lowers her voice, he feels she is checking out and is hurt. If he raises his voice, she is overwhelmed and checks out.
She might envision married life as being alone together and enjoying each other’s company and he might envision married life as having shared adventures. He wants parties and a social life to energize himself and she is rejuvenated by avoiding that and being alone. She wants to hide in a party, he wants to be the center of attention. She might want him to herself and feel he’s always giving his time to others. He might feel she gives her time to others at work, then comes home and ignores him for her alone time, telling him to go out with his friends without her.
Once introverts and extroverts discover each other’s differences and communication styles, they can compliment each other well and work together.
In the end, Susan urges readers to be themselves. What did you love to do as a child? What did you want to be when you grow up? What work do you gravitate to? What do you envy? Who has what you desire? These are clues to finding yourself and choosing the best path for you in life.
No comments:
Post a Comment